Relationships....your perception of them.

Welcome everyone. This subject (relationships) has been plaguing many these days. It's a subject that is constantly coming up from my clients and is blogged about very frequently and has been for months now. It's far more popular then any other subject or situation, so it seems. Lately, it seems that many people are becoming obsessed over thoughts, worries, actions and concerns of another and what this person is thinking and doing. It totally is consuming them and has reached a point where it is just about all they think about and are concerned with. Hello, there are other duties in life that are being ignored. Some of these duties just can not be ignored or forgotten. It's gotten to the point where I am so concerned about this subject that I am pulled and compelled to write about it. It's now getting out of hand. It's time to snap out of this. It is so not healthy.

What you are forgetting about is you. You should be first and foremost the important one. Where do you stand in all of this, besides in confusion and hurt? If you do not take care of yourself, who suffers? Who will take care of you, if not you? Do you have children being affected? What about your job? Are your friendships suffering because all you do is obsess about this other person? Like what is not happening between you two and what is ocurring with this person and someone else or the other interest? Stop this. It's time to get to the root of the problem, which many of you will not like hearing. You. Most likely, you will target me for the anger/angst you feel and fully knowing this, it's a chance I'm willing to take for your well being. There won't be anything that you can say that I haven't heard already. Please understand that I am not trying to upset/stress you anymore than what you already are, no, no, no, far from it, but to help you find balance and understanding. If you are ready to open to another perspective and really look at why the relationship(s) are not showing satisfactory conclusions, then please read on.

To understand any and all relationships, you must first understand yourself. Why, because this is how you tick, think and perceive. It doesn't matter the type of relationship or if it is a love relationship - meaning family - parents, siblings, children, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc., or if it is a buddy relationship - meaning being friends, having get togethers, hang out nights or clubbing or if it is a romantic relationship - meaning spouse or significant other - someone you trust to share aspects of life with on an intimate level. Yes, I understand you can have conversations about intimate things with close family members, friends or doctors, but that is not the point I am trying to make here. I am sure you understand the level of intimacy I am talking about is of the sexual nature. Now moving on and getting back to you, think what went wrong with this relationship. Why did the break up occur in the first place? Why did the other person leave and walk away? Chances are the other person left you. How do I know this....well, because this explains your way of thinking and obsessing. If you were the one who left, you wouldn't be so concerned about what the other person is doing. You'd be feeling relieved that it is over, the dread/pressure/hard part is over and you can be free to move on. Right?

Let's explore further. When you are the one who is left, it leaves many questions, anger and complete disbelief. Sometimes you see it coming and other times, you don't - completely blindsided and has you caught off guard. Examples: how could this happen; what did I do; I am the best thing that ever happened to this person; is there someone else; what does this other person have that I don't; they'll wise up and come back; we had such a connection, and the list goes on and on. Connection or not, something changed. What was it? Consider your past habits and how it has affected things. Did you call to much, become clingy or possessive? If you called or texted alot and they didn't answer right away, what happened? Did you allow your thoughts to run away with you? People get busy at work and can not always take calls or could be in a meeting or the boss is in front of them. They may be driving and can not be distracted due to traffic. Maybe they are in the shower or their phone fell out of a jacket pocket or purse in the car or between the sofa cushings which muffles the ringtone or vibration, they may not even know the phone is missing or the battery is dead or they are in a dead zone. Perhaps they are making hamburgers or meatloaf and their hands are dirty or they are under the car fixing something. There are hundreds of innocent reasons why they didn't take the call. This is where your imagination runs away with you and it relates to self esteem issues, trust issues and lack of self confidence. What if the table was turned and they called you but you didn't answer...what happens? Is there a fight? Is it no big deal and forgotten about? If it's forgotten and dismissed, there is no issue on their end. So why is there an issue on your end?

The bottom line is why do you not trust this person? Why, if they are not at your becken call, are you so suspicious? Has a situation occurred in the past to create doubt? If so, and you worked it out, is it not forgiven and forgotten? This is a trust issue. Without trust, there can be no romantic relationship. No matter how you try, without trust, it's doomed.

If you have changed by becoming needy or clingy, what happened to create this change? Were you out somewhere and noticed that your partner was getting lots of looks or attention? Is the attention more so than usual? Think to why this is happening and what changed. Did your partner lose weight, start exercising and toning up, running marathons, get their teeth whitened, cut their hair, get a tattoo or buy a motorcycle? Did they get promoted or land a job which gives them more confidence and a stronger self worth. Think about it because something happened to cause you to become lacking in the self confidence aspect.

There are times when a cooling off period can be a good thing. It gives time to work through issues and turn things around, plus to see the other persons perspective. Put yourself in the other persons shoes and compare the actions. How would you feel if you felt smothered, stifled or not trusted? Both people concerned have a life. You are each individuals, not siamese twins joined at the hip. Everyone has their own spirit. There is a work life, buddy life, home life. Face it, you can not be together 24-7 for 365 days of the week. Even if you are retired, you must both have outside interests and break times away - no matter how short. Example, shopping must get done and golf must be played.

Now, if one person has moved on (meaning dating someone, living with someone or just cutting all ties with you), then it's time for you to let go and move on also. You can not change a persons feelings or control them. They are their own spirit as are you. If they do not feel the same about you anymore - it's out of your hands. There is nothing you can do to make them have those feelings again. If it's gone, it's gone. You do not own them and there is no genie that can grant you three wishes. If you are feeling like you need closure or to get the last word in or express your feelings, write it down as you would in a letter intended to be sent. It helps and it's okay to cry while doing so. It's part of the healing process. I, myself, wouldn't recommend sending to the person. Why? Well, as time goes by and you heal, you can one day look it over again or if you burn it or trash it, you can recollect on what you wrote and how you handled the break up and still feel relief. But if you send it, you may have put something in there that sounds stupid now or silly. And who knows if the person would show it to someone or post it on their myspace page which may cause regrets. If it helps, tell yourself that it was that person's loss. You may not be the shining star in this person's life, but you will be in someone elses. When the time is right or you least expect it, someone will come along and treat you with respect and love. Meanwhile, go through the healing stages and try to understand the reasoning behind some of your actions or mistakes. It will make for a brighter future for you and the people close to you. You survived before them and you will survive after them. If the Lord called them home, what would you do then? How would you get the closure? You have to face reality and see things as they are (see the writing on the wall), accept the lesson, heal and move on.

Love, light and brightest blessings.

Also, go back and recollect on some of your friends or family members and how they handled break ups. Did you know the break up was coming before they did? Did you see changes in their persona? Were they unaware of these changes because of being blinded? By comparing what you saw happening with them, it may help you to relate and see where the shifts occurred with yours.

(Written/posted by LAA 6/09. May not use without authors concent)