Marriage....how is yours?

Are you married? Is your marriage having problems? Did you know that 50 % of marriages are over or have been lost and given up on by the seventh anniversary year in a marriage? Marriage is hard work. It is a tough job. Did my marriage succeed? Nope, we went down hill - not quickly, but steadily. Together for three years, married for seven, divorced now for 16 years. The four horseman (as I’ve heard it be called, because there are four stages or predictors), and there are many people out there who are riding them. The question I hear is how do I (or we) reverse this? I get asked this after a reading where I see that they are experiencing problems. Well, I am not a licensed therapist or counselor so I honestly just don’t know. People are always looking for marital fulfillment and ways to keep their marriage alive. Everyone deserves to have an abundant marital life, but one way or another, everyone deserves to be happy. However, I find that people are so ready to criticize and put each down, blame the other person for why things are going wrong and just moan and groan over such petty stuff. Where is the affirmation? Where is the honesty, truth and honor today?

Men, when was the last time you told her that dinner was fantastic or that she cooked an awesome dinner? If she re-arranged the furniture to spice up the room and give it new life, did you comment about ‘wow this is a nice change’ or did you say ‘now why did you do that? I’m going to bang my leg on this.’ Ladies, if he cut the grass, did you take a few minutes to step outside and look at how nice it looked and tell him so? Or if he fixed something that was long overdue, did you say thank you - that is wonderful to have it work again - what a good job? It’s a good idea to have affirmation and be enthusiastic over something, whether it be a great dinner or a nice lawn that the neighbors would be envious of. Where is the pedestal? When people are dating, there are times when there is no other thought penetrating the mind except when will I speak to him/her again or I can’t wait to see him/her and spend time with them. He tries to impress her and she tries to impress him and each person is basically put on the pedestal. Try showing some admiration and see where it leads. By showing or having some admiration and affirmation, you have the power to send that person’s mood into a high level of happiness and make them feel appreciated. You can touch that person and get a point across, send a look or make a comment. These actions can be powerful. Think back to when you were dating your mate. What each of you did back then, is how you caught your mate. So if you can incorporate those things again into your ‘now’ stage, it may help to keep your mate and ease stress in the relationship. Reconcile and forgive when it’s needed and called for, just like having admiration and affirmation. These are simple, but important and powerful.

Did you know that in the Bible, scripture refers to words as ‘jewelry?’ Now depending on the Bible you have Proverbs, chapter 25, verse 11. Verse 11 states - ‘A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.’ Or it may say a word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver. Verse 12 states - As an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold, so is a wise reprove upon an obedient ear.’ Either way you chose to use your words, remember you have the power and hold the key to heighten someone or bring them down. There are two of the four horses - affirmation and admiration.

As I mentioned above, people are so willing to cut each other down - always on the defensive. And contempt, let’s not forget that one. People are always flinging that one around. Contempt is a lack of respect of something or for something. These are the thieves and marriage killers. They steal, kill and destroy. These are the enemies of marriage. Fifty percent of first marriages end in divorce, 67 % of second marriages end in divorce and 74 % of third marriages end in divorce. A broken marriage is tough, just ask the children of broken marriages. Why not try vulnerability. Being vulnerable shows your fears and dreams (no matter how far fetched or way off it may seem). It leads to a level of intimacy. It’s hard to be vulnerable because when you are happy, you’re not vulnerable. But, if you are hurt, you are vulnerable. When you are angry, that is a symptom of being hurt somehow and someway, so you are vulnerable. How about trying respect and reconciliation? Have you ever been out and about and there are other couples around and he is talking about some story and all of a sudden, she chimes in to correct him or make a point or may just roll her eyes or look at him like oh no, not again with the story. Have you ever done that? There is a lack of consideration and respect there. Outing him, could cause a spat or attitude to occur and if you are out with other people, that may put a damper on things. Let him have fun and tell his story. You can always laugh with the girls and say we saw Tom Jones, not Englebert Humperdink. Let him have fun. Reconciliation is powerful, it’s like the bridge of forgiveness. Would the story he is telling really be worth a spat and put a damper on things? It’s a story, it’s petty. It’s not a life or death situation so the full details really don’t matter. The story will most likely be forgotten anyway.

Have you ever considered a ‘date’ night? For people I know who have been married and are successful and still happy, I noticed that they have date night or couple time. If the kids are young, they get a sitter and go out to get away from the same four walls. If they have couple time, they let the kids play at a friends house for a few hours and they have their ‘couple’ time. They use this time for whatever they want. They can cook together, cruise on the Harley, take a bath together, make love, discuss fears, wants and hopes. It is important to make arrangements for the kids to be gone so concentrating on each other is easier with no interruptions. The key point is that kids grow up and leave. Spouses stay. What happens if (and God forbid) an accident occurs and someone is injured? Will you leave because your mate lost an arm or leg or will need a wheelchair? Sex isn’t everything, but intimacy is great as is stimulation of the brain. This is where words are like apples of gold in pictures or settings of silver. The brain is always working and needs to be stimulated. Words and conversations are key factors to this. Words can light a spark which gets the fire started or it can have you reaching high levels of confidence.

I have known some people to do this simple exercise together usually around the time when their anniversary is approaching. This may sound really silly and men will most likely think no way will I do that, but it is fun. It’s almost like taking a vacation together but doing it with memory and words. What happens is the two of you sit down and reminisce about the year together. It’s like keeping a journal for one day out of the year. They write about some humorous story, a memorable moment, a happy event, some stressful event that they thought they would never get through (loss of job, kids creating problems in school, etc), perhaps a vacation or even a time when someone’s breath was taken away by some stolen moment, a fear (someone was ill and in the hospital, etc). Whatever the experience is, once it is written about or spoken of, it will get the memories flowing. Some of my friends have written about shoveling snow and then falling down together to make snow angels, kissing in the rain and running barefoot into the puddles, riding shotgun, leaving love notes in coat pockets or packed lunches and fragrances that have always drove them nuts like Jovan Musk Oil, Jontue, Explanation or Vanderbilt and for the guys - English Leather, Aqua Velva - LOL. That is going back a ways, you youngsters won’t have a clue. (Oh but they were the good ‘ol days). It’s fun going back and remembering. Some of my friends have written about when he would come over and cut the lawn and she (wanting to catch his eye) would come out and lay by the pool or in a reclining lawn chair to work on the tan. (Yes, back in the day, we would worship the sun and work on our tans). Or they’d write about how handsome he looked in his armed service uniform. Memories are precious. And once you get started, you’ll remember things long since forgotten or placed on the back burner in your mind and heart.

If you are experiencing difficult times with your marriage and are not ready to throw in the towel, I would highly suggest praying, seeing a marriage counselor, or talking to your church authority (minister, priest, etc.). What you chose will have a lasting effect on your life. If you can’t afford a counselor or are embarrassed to speak with your church authority, you could always try writing a letter to each other to explain what you are going through and how you feel. This way you each can put the shoe on the other foot and work on it from there to make progress. Like I stated before, I am not a therapist or counselor, but if you are not ready to throw in the towel, there are things you can consider and take a chance on. But it will take both of you. Do not blame and criticize. That will get you nowhere. After all, for things to get to the point that it is at, it took both of you to get here and it will take both of you to work on the bridge of forgiveness. This would be the time to reflect and see how each of you have changed or grown and get back on track to grow together. Brightest blessings and much hope for a long life on your journey together.